What Just Happened?
by Cinnamon Ninja
Summary: A merciless parody of overzealous J/C shippers, fluff so sweet the reader contracts Type 2 diabetes, purple prose and fauxhawks, among other things. Not exactly rare, I know, but I like to think it's funny. There's much madness within...
1. TRU LUV: or, The Bad Beginning

**If you are a lover of faux-hawks, purple prose or fics that register over eighteen thousand on the Fluff-O-Meter (which, incidentally, only goes up to six hundred), I suggest you turn away now, as the following overtly snide parody may induce vomiting, heart palpitations, or mindless, shocked gibbering at your computer monitor of choice.**

…

**No, seriously, I mean it.**

…

**Okay, well, now that **_**that's **_**weeded out the faint-hearted among us … I'd like to apologise in advance for this story. I really don't know what came over me. **

**Well, okay, I lied. I do know. I blame the reading of one too many badly-written fluff pieces and a lack of sleep on my part. (That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.) I like fluff as much as the next person...but I love parodies more. **

**(I write fluff, myself ... I'm a massive hypocrite, if that makes the rabid J/C shippers feel any better.)**

_**STUPID DISCLAIMER THAT I THINK IS REQUIRED:**_** The forgery of John A. Davis's signature is coming along nicely, but is, regrettably, not complete yet. So, I don't own Jimmy. Sorry.**

**This…THING…may expand into a series of oneshots, depending on response and/or inspiration. Enjoy! **

**(And I apologise for the irrational hatred of faux-hawks, and I apologise even more if someone you know and/or love has or had one. I'm sure there must be a branch of Fauxhawks Anonymous in your city or town, if you look. Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards curing it, you know. ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I'LL STOP NOW. )**

* * *

><p>Jimmy skipped over the road in the summer sun, smiling delightfully. Scattering flower petals in his wake, he traversed the steps up to his adorable little angel's house in a hop, a skip and a jump and rang the doorbell fifty-nine times. He was just that happy, delighted, thrilled and gloriously ecstatic to see-<p>

"Cindy!" Jimmy's mouth dropped open at the sight of her, despite the fact that he had seen her almost daily for the last four years straight, in precisely the same clothes every time. Hormon – I … I mean, _love_ just changes your perception like that.

Cindy, who had opened the door, batted her eyelashes so hard a small twister started in Iowa.

"Why, hello there, Jimmy, you boyfriend of mine, you. I missed you during the eight hundred ninety-four seconds we just spent apart NOT awkwardly declaring our eternal, everlasting love for each other and/or making out like horny teenagers despite the fact we're still in elementary school. And did I mention you're my boyfriend now? Boyfriend _boyfriend _BOYFRIEND! …how are you?"

"Delightful, now YOU'RE here with me, Cindy, my … er … Cindy-kins ... "

He's not a genius with mushy talk, okay?

Cindy leapt into his arms, and he caught her because Jimmy totally invented, like, a machine that makes him really super buff and totally able to catch someone taller than him without warning. And stuff. Oh, and he doesn't have that whippy-dip hairdo that we all know and love. Instead, he has a fauxhawk. (Because, as all good children know, fauxhawk = cool, and totally not the sort of thing that douchey teenage guys and/or douchey sports stars wear in order to look 'sic az, brew ' (_sic_).) Also Jimmy's head isn't big anymore. HE HAD A SUDDEN GROWTH SPURT, OKAY. GEEZ.

Jimmy gazed into Cindy's limpid green orbs, shimmering and sparkling like sparkly, beautiful emerald fire in the summer sun, completely disregarding the fact that anyone whose eyes sparkle that much is obviously in need of serious medical attention because they've probably been attacked by a rampaging preschool girl with a fondness for glitter and no compunctions about using it. (Or maybe a rabid manga artist or something.)

Cindy, likewise, gazed into Jimmy's deep sapphire eyes, like the deepest of oceans, like a lighter version of the deep midnight blue of space (only, like, totally more compassionate and smart and hot and stuff), like the sea around that island that she keeps having flashbacks to for no apparent reason, like toilet water after it's been treated with a certain brand of peroxide. Ah, the romance!

They continued their staring for another fourteen point six one minutes, totally ignoring the "what-the-hell-are-they-_doing_" looks from random passers-by, _and_ the fact that all of their parents could see everything they were doing extremely clearly from the comfort of their respective living rooms on either side of the street.

(In fact, Cindy's mother had been staring at them from behind her curtains, making a disapproving face, because she's a jealous, conniving beeyatch who can't stand the TRUE LUV between Jimmy and Cindy and thinks he's not good enough for Cindy despite the fact that he's probably going to be a billionaire at least sixteen times over before he's twenty-one. Around the third minute of the staring-a-palooza, Cindy's mother (NB: does she even have a name?) felt faint from the fumes of supreme mushiness, and had to go lie down in her room with a wet facecloth over her eyes until she could breathe normally again. Which was lucky for her, really, because if she _hadn't _let the happy couple be all couple-y together, the preteen author of this horrendous piece of fanfiction would probably have killed her off. Or something. **(See footnote 1, at the end of the story.) **)

Then Jimmy and Cindy, happily oblivious to all this internal drama, realized that they should probably be kissing or something, because that's usually what happens next.

So they did. And it was awesomely cute and adorable and awesome and sweet and totally and utterly memorable despite the fact that they're ELEVEN and have no experience at kissing at all, aside from the few awkward pecks shown throughout the series.

(Actually, Cindy _did _have some make-out experience, but only with the tender crook of her elbow, back when she had an uber-crush on Nicky-Nick.)

Then, suddenly, gloriously, both Jimmy and Cindy snapped back into character. _Hard._

Jimmy dropped Cindy like she was a hot potato. (A _really, really _hot potato, if you catch my drift. Wink wink nudge nudge.) Both characters instantly began trying to scrape the entire surface of their respective tongues off with their fingernails.

"Uck! Ptoo! Blah! Vortex, were we just ... making out? _In public?_"

"Er … I really hate to be the one to break it to you, Jim- I … I mean, Nerdtron … but, um, yes. Yes, we were."

A disgusted look came over both of their faces, and they shivered in unison.

"Neutron - what just happened to us? Where was the plot? The storyline? The humor? The character development? Heck, where was the _character_? This is so out of character for us - both as separate characters _and _as a … um … couple - that I'm surprised the universe hasn't melted in on itself in disgust. I mean, the whole point of our relationship is that it's firey! We aren't afraid to argue! It's love-hate, and that's what makes it likeable and _believable_, despite what the Jimmy/Betty shippers say! …Spewtron, are you even listening?"

Jimmy had caught sight of his reflection in Cindy's house's window a few sentences back and had almost fainted. He struggled for words, gaping like a goldfish, finally coming out with: "…PUKIN' PLUTO! DO I HAVE A FAUXHAWK?"

"Erm ... yes?"

Jimmy dropped to his knees and screamed a scream so chock-full of pain and misery you'd swear his lab just imploded, taking Goddard, his parents and a newly-won Nobel Prize with it. He then started frantically swiping at his hair, trying to make it go back to its original state.

"It ... won't ... go ... away! Ahh! I'm stuck like this!"

He grabbed Cindy's shoulder and pulled her face down so it was within inches of his. (But not in an even vaguely romantic way, this time.) He spoke, very deliberately.

"Cindy. If you work out a way to get rid of this..." Jimmy gestured towards his hairdo, lost for words to describe it. "...this THING on my head, I promise I'll help you thoroughly destroy the shrine to me you probably have in your room. AND your diary, half of it probably filled with rapturous descriptions of our dates and half filled with drawings of our future Mary-Sue children and the name 'Mrs Cynthia Aurora Neutron-Vortex' written over and over in girly, curlicue script."

Cindy considered this proposal. "You're sure they'll both be _thoroughly _destroyed?"

"As thoroughly as our dignity and reputations."

Cindy opened her mouth to protest, thought for a second about her suddenly-back-in-character situation, shut her mouth again with a snap and nodded. "Deal. But I get to smash your shrine to me, too."

Jimmy nodded his mercifully back-to-'normal' (read: freakishly proportioned) head frantically, and they shook hands on it.

"This never happened."

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><p><strong>(1) By 'the preteen author', I am referring to the also-fictional fanfiction author who would write such horribly purple prose. Not me. Thankfully, I myself am <strong>_**not**_** a preteen, and I like to think my writing isn't nearly as bad as I'm purposely making this.**


	2. OC Insanity, Part I

**I'm back, with another oneshot! It's extremely hard to shove as much sarcasm, insanity and parodic goodness into one chapter as I did in the first one, and it's even harder to do it consistently for the few chapters I have (vaguely) planned attacking other clichés. So … I've toned it down. A little. Please don't kill me!**

**I'm also asking for not-death if you write fics with OC children in them. Remember, I don't necessarily hate the clichés, the fics that use them OR the people who write such fics. I just like poking fun at everything. **_**Eeeverything. **_

**Also, I'm running out of clichés to riff on faster than Carl runs out of allergy medication in summer, so if you have a particular fanfic pet peeve, review and tell me allll about it. Think of me as an online fanfic agony aunt! … who will attempt to transmute your woes into delicious, nutritious snark. :D**

**Despite the slight change in pace … I hope you enjoy! :)**

**Italics without speech marks are thoughts.**

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><p>Jimmy was working in his lab, late one night, when his eyes beheld an eerie sight! For his monster from its slab began to rise … and suddenly, to his surprise, IT DID THE MASH -<p>

… oh, wait. That's not right. Take two, guys.

Ahem.

One fine summer evening, a certain young genius was pottering away in his lab, as he tends to do. He poked the invisible hamsters to make sure they hadn't escaped and wrote down a few simple observations ("…seem to be growing well. Er, I think."). He threw a Barbie he'd accidentally stolen from Cindy in second grade at the girl-eating plant (it growled at him, but snapped up the inanely grinning thing mid-air anyway). He tested Goddard's newly upgraded laser capabilities on a few copies of the latest young adult vampire romance atrocity. Y'know, the normal, everyday things that one must do in order to maintain such a whimsical lab, and keep it in tip-top shape.

Jimmy tightened a few bolts on the Strato XL absentmindedly and sighed. _God, I wish something exciting would happen. _He frowned. _Well, _that _certainly wasn't foreshadowing of any kind. I hope._

Just then, a gust of wind rushed through the lab, scattering Jimmy's carefully recorded experiment files like autumn leaves.

"Oh, for the love of physics!" Jimmy groaned irritably. "_Now _what?" _Note to self: start writing things down digitally as well from now on. _

He turned, calculating the source of the explosion. _There, in the corner._ Something moved, almost imperceptably. Jimmy swallowed, and swiped up the nearest mini laser. He uncapped it, pointing it towards the corner. "He…Hello? Who are you? And … more importantly, how did you get in here?"

...

No response.

"Show yourself! I … I'm armed!"

Slowly, almost casually, a … _thing _in the corner shimmered into the visible spectrum. It was still hidden by shadows, though, and Jimmy squinted to get a better look at whoever it was. _Who could have gotten into my lab?_

A figure leapt out from the corner so fast that Jimmy accidentally dropped the mini-laser. "Hey Dad! Wow, you look so young! How old are you – like, ten?"

"TWELVE! And how did you get into my la- _did you just call me Dad?_"

* * *

><p>"It's pretty simple, Da- I mean, Jimmy," said the girl who had mysteriously materialized in his lab. "I'm Marie Susan Neutron, your future daughter!"<p>

"I have a daughter."

"Yup."

"Named Marie-"

"Marie _Susan, _yes."

"…who has somehow come back from the future to talk to me?"

"You got it!"

"This is so improbable, not to mention incredibly stupid. I'm assuming you used one of my inventions to do it? You're busted once you get back to…whenever you're from. By the way … I hate to ask, but, er, with who?"

"I'm not sure I follow. Despite the fact that I have an IQ three points higher than yours was at this age."

Jimmy scowled at her – _that's not even possible! My IQ is literally off the charts!_ - and continued. "Who did I … y'know … with... ?"

"Huh?"

"Stop being so obtuse. Or, no… Allow me to put it in terms your future brain can comprehend. _Who. Is. Your. Mother._"

"Oh! Right… " She pointed her fingers at him like guns and clicked her tongue. "Gotcha! My mom's Mom, of course!"

Jimmy rolled his eyes. _She's _my _daughter? Surely no child of mine could be so thick. _"Oh, no, really? I thought they (meaning I) would have invented asexual reproduction by the time you were conceived." His voice was so heavy with sarcasm they could have used it as an anchor. "What's her _name_?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

Jimmy stepped back and examined the girl, who looked about his age. Her perfect brown hair (with perfectly natural blonde streaks) was caught back in a perfect ponytail atop her slightly-too-large head, and her fringe curled across her face. Her perfect eyes – no, not eyes, _orbs_ – were blue in the fluorescent lab lighting, but seemed to flash an emerald green as she blinked at him. Her muscles were obviously toned and trim, and she stood quite cockily in the centre of the lab, daring him to figure it out.

"Figured it out yet?"

Jimmy shook his head in frustration. "Um, no. Just tell me! God, you're annoying me already, and you aren't even technically born yet."

"Her name is… Nissa!"

"I KNEW IT- wait, what?"

"Nissa!"

"No, this is the part where you say 'CINDY!' and I say 'NOOOOOO' and you say 'YEESSSS' and then I say 'NOOOOOOO' and you say 'I SHOULD KNOW' and then I scream a bit more and then maybe faint. Or something. You're not supposed to say _Nissa._"

"Well, it's true. You end up with Nissa."

"That's just stupid."

"Well, obviously YOU didn't think so when you _married her!_"

"I don't end up with Nissa!"

"You do!"

"Not!"

"DO!"

"NOT!"

"No, he doesn't!" A new voice echoed through the lab, and both Jimmy and Marie stopped short. Slowly, they both turned to look at the new arrival stepping out from the shadows. She looked… well, pretty much exactly the same as Marie. Her hair was perhaps a shade darker, and she was maybe an inch taller, but aside from that she could have been Marie's twin sister.

"Who… Who are you?" Jimmy asked cautiously.

"_I'm_ your daughter from the future!" the girl replied, puffing out her chest.

Marie stuck her hands on her hips. "That's not possible. _I'm _his daughter, I'm an only child, and in the future my dad is happily married. To _Nissa._"

"Uh, no, he's not. He's married to Brittany!"

Jimmy interjected. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. _Brittany? _That's almost as stupid as Nissa!"

Both girls glared at him. "HEY!"

He rubbed his temples in exasperation. "Look, new… future daughter. What's your name?"

"Marie!"

"…what?"

"Marie. Why do you look so shocked?"

"Well… _her _name is Marie … and now _your _name is Marie… and you look the same and are both apparently my future daughters. With different girls." Jimmy slumped into a nearby seat and dropped his head into his hands. His muffled voice floated up to them. "Please let this end soon…"

"Not on your life!"

Jimmy's head drooped, if possible, even lower. "Not _another _one."

"I'm not _another _one! What are you talking about, Dad?"

"You really are." Jimmy lifted his head from his hands wearily, looking at the other new arrival, who gazed back at him in confusion. (She obviously hadn't caught sight of the other two yet, who were gazing at her in utmost astonishment, mouths open so wide Jimmy was tempted to use them as recycle bins. Actually, he had been itching to do that since the first one showed up.) The new one, too, looked almost exactly like the other two. Her hair and streaks were a lot lighter than the auburn brown of her compatriots, and she looked several years older, but otherwise… yep, pretty much exactly the same. Jimmy sighed. "Please tell me your name _isn't _Marie."

"Well, actually, it is. How'd you know?"

Jimmy raised an eyebrow at her. "I'm a genius, remember?" he deadpanned. "Now, who's _your _mother? Some girl I'll meet in college who'll (coincidentally enough) turn out to be just as smart as me? Do I cross universes and hook up with Trixie Tang? Do I turn gay for Sam from the Candy Bar or something?"

"Well, actually…"

Jimmy straightened up like someone had lit a firecracker under his seat. "Surely you don't mean to tell me that-"

"NO! No, of course not. My mom's Cindy Vortex."

Jimmy sagged in his seat with relief. "Oh, thank the ghost of Albert Einstein. I was worried there, for a second. Finally, a realistic pairing!"

"But not as realistic as the _real_ future pairing!"

Yet another girl stepped forth from the shadows. This one wore glasses, and her nose was dotted with freckles, but otherwise the similarities between the four girls were uncanny.

The newcomer looked around (seeing only the Cindy Marie Susan, as the other two were still standing stock-still a little way behind them in astonishment), shoved her glasses up her nose and whistled. "Daddy Carl is _not _going to be happy about this chick tarnishing your reputation, Dad."

Jimmy responded without thinking. "But… wait, if you're-" -he shuddered- "Carl's daughter as well… you look like both of us. How is that even possible?"

She winked. "Well, you ARE a genius, Dad. Just like me."

Jimmy blanched in horror, realising the implications of what she had said (asexual reproduction? Or… ugh...), and slammed his head into the desk. "Ow." he mumbled, not bothering to lift it back up again in case he puked.

"You okay, Dad?" came four voices in unison. The two most recent arrivals jumped about a foot in the air, spinning to face the other two. They all spoke as one.

"Who are _you?_"

Again, their voices melded as one.

"_I'm _his daughter, I'll have you know. Who are _you?_"

Again.

"No, _I'm _his daughter."

The Brittany-Marie squared up to the more fragile-looking Carl-daughter. "He's _my _dad! How dare you suggest that he loves anyone other than my mom!"

Carl-Marie rolled her eyes. "Pfft, Mom, right. What's your IQ, the low seventies?" She snorted with geeky laughter.

B-M snarled. "I'll have you know it's two hundred and thirteen! AND all my inventions work better than Dad's ever did!"

Carl-Marie paused for a second. "That's funny. That's the same as me."

B-M shook off the similarities, and balled up a fist. "You wanna go me, Four-Eyes?"

Carl-Marie replied, just as feistily (because she's, like, Marie Susan, and everything she says and does is supposed to be perfect), "Bring it on, imposter!"

They leapt at each other, growling fiercely. While they wrestled in a tangled heap on the floor, the Cindy-daughter and Nissa-daughter circled each other, tossing insults like grenades.

Nissa's Marie Susan looked at her opponent with distaste. "_Cindy? _Why on earth would Dad marry _Cindy? _He loves my mom!"

Condy's Marie Susan scoffed. "Um, hello? He's loved Cindy – the _real _person he marries – for the last two years straight. _And _he's been to the future. _He. Marries. Cindy._"

"He obviously doesn't, seeing as how _I exist._"

"Alternate universe theory, dweeb!"

"Dweeb? _Dweeb? You're_ calling _me _a dweeb? "

"Koko the Signing Gorilla had a higher IQ than you, you alternate-universe freak!"

"Yeah? Well, I was here first, _bitch, _so just back off _my_ dad." Nissa's child spat.

"Oh, you wanna start something?"

"I think I do!"

"Well prepare for _pain_, cause I'm a pink belt in five different martial arts."

"So am I, sister. AND I have a handy arsenal of gadgets stored on my person!"

"_I am no sister of yours, fake-oid!_" Cindy's daughter launched herself at her opponent, crying an ululating war cry and flipping several times as she went. The two began duking it out in the centre of the lab, leaping over the other two as necessary, while Jimmy watched the whole ridiculous farce helplessly from the sidelines. He looked down when he felt a small hand tug at his jeans.

A four-year-old girl in a purple dress, with brown hair in two pigtails, blinked up at him with dark eyes. "Daddy, why are all the nasty girls fighting? Papa said that fighting is only okay if it's on Ultralord, cause he's good and stuff."

Jimmy blanched further, backing away from the little girl as though she'd just produced evidence that gravity didn't exist. "You… Ultralord… _Sheen?_"

Another (identical) little girl behind the first frowned in confusion, straightening her pink dress. "But mommy's name isn't Sheen, it's Betty. Just like your name is Jimmy, Daddy."

Jimmy backed away quicker, groping for the button he knew must be in the wall behind him _somewhere_.

The first girl wheeled around, put her hands on her hips, and shook her head emphatically. "No, he's MY daddy. And he loves Papa. Not Mommy."

The second girl's lower lip trembled. "B-but he loves Mommy…"

"No, he doesn't!"

Betty's daughter burst into heaving little-girl sobs. "B-BUUUT HE…HE LO-LOVES MOMMMY!"

"No, Papa!"

"MOMMY!"

"PAPA!"

"MOMMY!"

Finally, Jimmy found the button he had been searching for. He slammed it, and all six girls froze, mid-fight. Carl's daughter was biting Brittany's daughter. Cindy's daughter and Nissa's daughter had both been in the middle of complicated mid-air manoeuvres, and they both clattered to the floor like statues. Betty's daughter's mouth was open in mid-wail, and her cheeks glistened with tears. Sheen's daughter had her hands on her hips, and was poking her tongue out at her opponent.

Jimmy breathed a sigh of relief as the blessed silence rang in his ears. _Finally._

* * *

><p>A little later, Jimmy fired up his between-universes portal in the backyard outside. One by one, he threw the still-frozen girls through the portal to god-knows-where. (He had considered keeping them around as hatstands or something, but figured it would be too tiresome re-freezing them every so often. Plus, people might have asked questions.) He'd set it so they'd probably end up in the right (or deeply WRONG, depending on whether you were in Jimmy's position or not) universes, anyway, and it's not like they'd be frozen forever. It'd wear off. …eventually. They'd get home. …eventually.<p>

Carl wandered over, through the darkening twilight. "Hey Jimmy. Whatcha doing?"

Jimmy dusted off his hands, throwing the switch to kill the portal. "Oh, nothing, Carl. Just taking care of a little summer cleaning."

"Wanna come over tonight? We're having hypoallergenic meatloaf!"

Jimmy opened his mouth to say yes, but then remembered what had just happened. A strange look crossed his face, and he shivered. "Er, actually, I have a… um… thing to do. Tonight. In the lab. All night. In fact, gee, look at the time-" he glanced at the wrist without a watch on it- "-I'm late already. So, I'll, er, be going now. Bye." He rushed like a mad thing towards the door of his lab, slamming it behind him.

"But Jimmy, can I hel-"

Jimmy opened the door a crack. "Actually, Carl, it's…um…highly dangerous. And dusty. Might trigger an asthma attack! Wouldn't want that, now would we? No! Of course not!" He said all this very fast, and laughed awkwardly. "See you at school!"

"But Jim, it's summe-"

The door slammed.

Carl looked confused for a second, then shrugged. "Oh well. Guess he just had a rough day." He wandered off towards Jimmy's house. "Mmm… Jimmy's mom…'s cookies."

* * *

><p><strong>Maybe Jimmy was a bit heartless…but then again, they <strong>_**were **_**obnoxious OC brats. They'll be fine – in fact, they'll all probably get picked up by the Starship Enterprise or something. ;) **

**Thanks to Katia11 for beta-reading! :)**


	3. PUUURE EEEEEVIL

**Hello again! Yes, this story isn't dead. It just…took a little longer than expected. (Oh, fickle comedic muse…how thou dost elude me in my hour of need…)**

**I sincerely hope you enjoy, despite the fact that I get the feeling that this is careening downhill at a rate of knots. Oh well. Have fun, anyway!**

* * *

><p>Betty Quinlan laughed maniacally as her machinery slowly lowered Cindy Vortex towards a pool of boiling lava. Tears streamed down Cindy's face as she felt the heat singe the end of her ponytail.<p>

The blonde thrashed helplessly in her too-tight bindings like a fish on a hook. "Betty! Wait! You don't have to do this!" she croaked desperately. "Stop! Please!"

Betty chuckled softly, more than a hint of insanity in her voice. "No. I'm sorry, Cynthia, but I can't stop. I have to do this. And do you know why, my dear?" She leaned forward, lowering her voice menacingly. "My beloved, Jimmy. He's why."

Her face contorted uglily (like i totally dont care if thats not a word, betty's a biatch and like totally deserves a totally bitchin new word in honor of her suckitudalness!) (omfg thats a new word too im so awesome today :DDDDDdDDDDDDDDDDFDDASDDDdDD)

(...where was i?)

(what? was there something actually going on in the story before my brackety minions and i interrupted the flow with our inane comments?)

(there was?)

(FINE, SORR-RRYY. START THE DAMN SENTENCE OVER THEN IF YOU'RE THAT FUSSED)

(GOD)

(JEEEESUS)

(KRISHNA)

(VISHNU)

(FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!)

(YOU'RE ALL JUST FLAMERS AND I HATE YOU) (but still plz plz plz R&R, guys!1!eleven! luv u long time!) (also guess what? i failed kindergarten grade english toda-)...

...

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

The irritatingly awful, note-abusing, flow-destroying author of this piece has been quietly assassinated. Do feel free to applaud/cheer loudly at your screen/organize a parade in celebration. You will now be returned to regular programming.

*SMILEY FACE!*

...Betty's face contorted uglily in emotional agony, like an overwrought prima-donna actress on the eve of her final show before her forcible retirement, squeezing every last drop of feeling out of her overused features, much like this stupidly long simile, and...huh? What's going on? Where am I? ...Oh, oh, right. There was a story among the descriptions here, wasn't there?

...I'm sure it was there, SOMEWHERE.

(I know what you're thinking. "Oh, God, not ANOTHER interruption. THIS HAS TO STOP. I give up! This isn't funny anymore!" Don't give up! I'm sure we can get to the end – together - if we believe in the power of friendship! Or something like that… Look, just ignore me. You don't need me.

I SAID, IGNORE ME. )

"He rejected me." Extremely-OOC!Betty continued. "Me! Betty Quinlan! The hottest, nicest, kindest, awesomest, smexiest girl in Retroville!"

Betty's eyes focused suddenly on Cindy's terrified face. They seemed to flash red in the dark...although that could just have been the reflection of the molten rock below them. "He rejected me...for you. YOU! You don't even like him like I do! I've danced on a table with him, for God's sake! I was his assistant in a magic show! What have YOU done? Lived on a desert island with him? Been on a date with him in his lab? Been on intergalactic, interdimensional adventures with him? FUH, I say, and FUH again!"

Cindy paused her thrashing for a second to shoot Betty a confused glance. "Hey...how'd you know about the island?"

Betty shrugged, her black cape (of PUURE EEEEVIL) flapping behind her in an amazing indoor breeze that had suddenly sprung up. Mysteriously. "That obsessive kid with the triangle-y head told me. Well, actually, he told everyone in the school, but I was there when he stood on a table at lunch and yelled it."

Cindy's eyes narrowed. "I'm going to KILL Ultra-Dweeb..." she hissed.

"That is, if you ever escape. Which I doubt." said Betty evilly, squashing a barrel of kittens with an oversized hammer as she spoke.

"...where did you even get a barrel of kittens from, anyway?"

"Oh, they have a store for this sort of stuff. It's called Attila's Baby Animal Supplies, I think." Betty absent-mindedly yanked on a lever next to her, temporarily halting Cindy's descent to her flaming doom. (DOOM I TELL YOU MUAHAHAHAHA and so on and so forth.) "Calamitious gave me the address a while back, at the League Of Evil's bowling night...Um, you know Seventh Street? Off Main?"

"Yeah?"

"It's down there. Over the road from Mime World."

Cindy nodded in comprehension. "Oh, I know where you mean. Gotta love Mime World."

Betty smiled. (Evilly, of course.) "Attila's sells chinchillas too, but I find kittens are much more satisfying to smush."

The warehouse's rusted door swung open with a resounding _BANG_ - disrupting the strange, relatively quiet conversation between EEEEVIL!Betty and !Cindy – and both girls swung around in surprise to watch the new arrivals enter. A strangely familiar-looking blonde girl backed in from the night, laboriously dragging another familiar-looking trussed-up girl behind her. The blonde was ranting at her prisoner, and cackling madly to herself. The rant went something along the lines of "…and your stupid perfectly perfect face will be totally burned _off_! BURNED, I SAY! AHAHAHAHAA! And the Jimmy will love _me_, and we will be _happy_, and we'll have lots of wonderfully beautiful genius children together, and you will be _dead, _and it's no more than you deserve, because-" The blonde turned around, and her eye-liner lined eyes widened in surprise as she broke off mid-rant. She pointed dramatically at Evil!Betty, who couldn't have looked more shocked if a Jamaican/Canadian kissogram lobster circus had showed up instead. (Just as a random, totally coincidental example.)

"YOU!" yelled the blonde. "But…but I kidnapped you! Th-that…that's you! There! Right there!" She switched her pointing to her captive, voice getting shriller and shriller with each word. "How is there two of you? And, more to the point," her voice grew stronger at this point– " -_I booked this death-trap for tonight!_" The ponytailed girl shook her fist at Evil!Betty.

Evil!Betty grinned, exposing a pair of meticulously sharpened incisors, and leapt gracefully down from her ledge, black cape OF EEEVIL floating behind her. "I don't know who you are, or why you're threatening me, but I believe you'll find that I'm using this death trap tonight. I needed to get rid of someone."

"Yeah, well, so do I! You think I drag people round like this for _fun?_" Evil!Cindy looked at her now-struggling captive distastefully and paused. "Well, okay, I do…but the point still stands!"

Cindy hung from her bindings, dumbfounded, watching her evil self threatening the now slightly vampiric evil Betty with a severe facial pounding. She shook her head, and muttered to herself, "This has got to be, singlehandedly, the dumbest thing that has ever happened to me. _Period._"

Just as the evil battle royale below was beginning to get warmed up, a third door slammed open, and a third, nasally voice was added to the cacophony echoing off the warehouse's high roof. A boy backed in, dragging a struggling prisoner behind him. Like Evil!Cindy, he too was ranting maniacally at his captive audience. (Badoom tish. Geddit? Cause he's all tied up, so he's _captive_, and...no?)

The warehouse suddenly fell silent as the identity of the newcomer dawned on the four girls. Despite the (badly-dyed) black hair, the (badly-dyed) black clothes and the (badly-dyed) black eyes – no, I don't know how he did that either – the boy's puppy fat and style of speech were unmistakeable. (The clearly labelled inhaler sticking out of the pocket of his (badly-dyed) black skinny jeans didn't hurt, either.)

The boy's nasally voice echoed throughout the warehouse, intimidating in its unintimidatingness. "…and that is what you'll get for insulting Carlito! Carlito is more than a llama – _he is my brother! I love him! _And guess what, Shine – ULTRALORD IS A DOLL. Once you're gone I will draw little lipstick smiley faces on your whole collection – INCLUDING THE MINT, LIMITED-EDITION, NEVER-RELEASED-OUTSIDE-OF-JAPAN GRANDPA ULTRALORD! MUAHAHAHAHAAA-"

Evil!Carl turned around to see all four girls staring at him with varying levels of disbelief, from Good!Betty's 'mildly shocked' to Evil!Cindy's 'if my mouth was any wider I could eat my own head' expression. He shrugged unapologetically. "What? I don't get a chance to be evil for a change?"

The answer came as one: "NO!"

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><p><strong>I'm sorry. I think this is devolving from "well-thought-out parody" to "marginally-on-drugs randomness vaguely related to the JN universe". <strong>

**Oh well.**

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><p><em><strong>There once was a girl (sans tattoos)<strong>_

_**Whose story got quite a few views**_

_**So she wrote up a poem**_

_**And hoped that would show 'em**_

_**How much she enjoyed their reviews.**_

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><p><strong>Srsly gaise. I wrote a poem for you. (And I can't write poetry for <strong>_**crap**_**.) That is how much I appreciate it, despite my absence. **

**If you enjoyed (the story, not the limerick. The limerick was a bad idea), please humor me and review. Even if it's filled with (hopefully constructive)**** criticism about how I am extremely not-funny and should stop kidding myself. EVEN THEN.**

**I am that much of an addict. It is **_**sad. **_

**Anyway… I do actually have the next chapter planned (for once) so hopefully it'll be up reasonably soon. No promises, though. **

**Until chapter next - tally-ho! *rides off into sunset after extremely long author's note***


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